Largely inspired by the book Enjoy Sex (How, When and If You Want to) by Meg-John Barker
16 minute read
The further down the rabbit hole I go, the more I am astounded by the extent to which my feelings/thinking is influenced by our sex-negative culture. Time to end this madness :)
Here is the 1-0-1 to removing the bullshit conditioning and becoming connected to YOU. IT IS NOT EASY. Trust me. It’s very hard to escape self-criticism, given how embedded it is in all our relationships and communities. This article will give you some practical ideas about how you might become aware of some of these messages, how to hold them a bit more lightly, how you can look after yourself, be present to yourself, and tune into YOUR desires and sensations.
<aside> 💡 Patience with yourself ❣️ Don't force yourself to think or feel differently – recognise that this will probably be a long journey, not something we can shift overnight
</aside>
Let's start with outlining the difference between the two. Recognising these kinds of differences – between enjoyable and less enjoyable sex – will help us to consider how to let go of some of the messages we receive about sex, how to tune into ourselves and be present.
👄 How ‘in the moment’ or ‘present’ you feel. For example, people said things like: ‘I was less distracted in the enjoyable time, not worrying about what was going to happen next.’ Whether they made comparisons between themselves and other people. For example: ‘In the less enjoyable time I kept thinking: “Am I as good as their ex?”, “Are they enjoying this as much as last time?”, “Do I look as good as people in porn?”’ 👄 How focused you are on achieving a goal. For example, in the less enjoyable time people wondered things like: ‘Am I going to come?’, ‘Are they going to come?’, ‘Am I lasting long enough?’ or ‘Am I hard/wet/aroused enough?’ 👄 Whether you are seeing sex as a performance. For example, in the less enjoyable time people worried: ‘Do they think I’m skilled enough at this?’ or ‘Should I be changing position more?’ 👄 How consensual it feels. ‘I felt like I was doing it for them rather than for me,’ ‘I knew they felt a bit pressured into it’ or ‘I was a bit part in their scene rather than a central character in my own.’ 👄 How aware you are of your sensations. For example: ‘When I was enjoying it, I could feel this tingling sensation in my feet, their breath on my skin, the heat rushing to my face. It was like I was totally in my body.’ 👄 How focused you are on what you think you should be doing. For example, in the less enjoyable time people wondered: ‘Is it okay to touch them like this? Will they think this is weird? How long should I do this for?’ 👄 How critical you feel about yourself or anyone else involved. For example, in the less enjoyable time people thought about themselves: ‘You look really bad in this position,’ ‘They’re not enjoying this’ or ‘You’re no good at this.’ Or they thought about another person: ‘Why don’t you know what to do?’ ‘How long is this going on for?' 'You suck – and not in a good way!’ 👄 How connected you feel with yourself or anyone else involved. For example, in the less enjoyable time: ‘I just went with it because I wanted to do it.’ Or in the enjoyable time: ‘It felt like giving myself a gift,’ ‘I really felt we were sharing something,’ ‘It was really intimate’ or ‘They seemed to really get me.’
When we focus instead on distinguishing enjoyable from less enjoyable sex, the emphasis is much more on how we relate to ourselves and each other, and what we might like to do.
In other words, it’s more about how you do things rather than what you do.
It can be really hard to get in touch with what turns us on because of all the messages we’ve received about what is and isn’t okay when it comes to sex.
Let's treat all sexual experiences equally, rather than buying into the idea that some are ‘better’, more ‘proper’ or more ‘normal’ than others. The whole idea of ‘properness’ or ‘being normal’ seems to interfere with actually enjoying sex. We often stop enjoying sex when we’re preoccupied by questions of whether we’re doing it properly, how we compare against some ideal or norm.
One limited view of sex is the idea that penis-in-vagina (or PIV) sex is the most ‘proper’ form of sex, and that anything else is simply ‘foreplay’ before this ‘main act’. Obviously this is a problem because it excludes lots of people, including those who enjoy sex on their own or same-genital sex.