5-6 minute read

We're all so busy guessing what the other person wants, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Not to be dramatic, but being in consent with ourselves is EASILY one of the biggest game changers for great sex.

People rarely consider the idea of treating themselves consensually. They think consent is something we have to give/get from other people. ****However consent starts with us. Do we listen to the inner voice that says YES, NO or I DON'T KNOW?

🧙🏻‍♀️ The two magic skills:

If we feel liberated enough to 👉🏽 ask for what we want; and 👉🏽 state our limits (i.e. stop, say no, change) .........then we have an incredible PLAYGROUND to explore. We can rest into the present moment, the exploration, knowing we are giving with a full heart, trusting that we are taking responsibility for our pleasure and that we won't cross our boundaries. In other words, there is so much safety. From safety, comes unbridled pleasure!

Of course it's SUPER important to note that we are giving ample space for our partner to express their yes/no/maybe too (I explore this further down). After all, how many times have you found yourself over-thinking about what this person wants, whether you trust this person to stop when they want to etc....... But if we at least start by treating ourselves consensually, it becomes easier to treat others consensually.

<aside> 💡 Guess what's even cooler? If you harness the two magic skills, your partner will ALSO be able to relax and trust you so much more knowing that they don't have to second guess if you're enjoying yourself. REMEMBER THAT. They will still care about your pleasure, but they won't have to go into overthinking care-taking mode. It gives them more permission to just let go as well. So you being in self-consent, is actually benefiting them too.

</aside>

👸🏼 How do we embark on the road of self consent?

IT ALL STARTS WITH CHANGING OUR BELIEFS.

1. We need to DEEPLY believe that self-consent is a GOOD THING. That it trumps the risk of hurting the feelings of our partner, etc. That it is not selfish. That it will HELP you have great sex. A lot of us live in fear, and override our self-consent, thinking it will somehow ruin the relationship, the moment etc. These beliefs are sadly doing more harm than good.
2. A big part of the work therefore is examining any negative beliefs or conditioning you have around being "bossy/directive" and saying "no/stop/pause". As long as you continue to believe these negative consequences, you will likely have a non-consensual relationship with yourself.
3. Ideally, you also want your partner to practice self-consent. While I am still getting better at self-consent, I remain quite sensitive to my partner's reactions to my no's and desires/requests. If they are appreciative and roll with it, it reinforces my self-consensual behaviour.
4. However, if they act rejected and victim-y, that is a sure sign I need to have a conversation about developing affirmative responses to my no's and desires/requests.
5. Once you can TRULY VALUE and celebrate self-consent, then you are waaaaaay more likely to voice your yes' and no's.