I hear SO many women come to me saying:

“Urgh I just don’t know what I want in sex”. “How do I figure this out?”

It’s true. It’s so freakin’ difficult. And so universal. It makes me think: HOW? How are we all struggling with this?

Bring in 👉🏼 Good Girl Conditioning. 🍿💁🏻‍♀️

Our whole life. We’ve been trained to be:

Understanding. Easy. Low maintenance. ”Cool with everything”.

We have rehearsed this SO WELL. So well that we’ve numbed our own inner signals of what we WANT.

Outside of sex, it shows up as being agreeable. I’d defer to other people’s desires a lot, if they were clearer and stronger than my (almost non-existent) preferences. I imagined that made people around me happier. And therefore made me more likeable.

In sex, I would see it show up in one of these four ways:

🍿 REALITY 1: Can you masturbate me, precisely? You’re trying to find an answer to what you want — but you can only think of the precise touch you do when you masturbate. You don’t really know how to describe it properly and you DOUBT your partner will get it right. It feels too annoying or tiring to keep correcting them.

🍿 REALITY 2: I need the 12-step guaranteed path to orgasm Your partner asks what you want and you feel pressure to have a fully formed answer that’s guaranteed to bring you pleasure. Cos what if you ask for something that sucks? It’s easier to smile and say: “Mmm what you’re doing feels really great”. No risk.

🍿 REALITY 3: Being specific is TIRING. Sex should flow and be NATURAL. Being vocal about what you want takes you out of the flow. You wish for effortlessness & being on the same wavelength. Wordless telepathic sex is your gold star. (The cost is you have unfulfilled desires and you compromise on pleasure).

🍿 REALITY 4: What do THEY want?! The PEOPLE PLEASER. When your partner feels excited about something — you get excitement from their excitement. Their pleasure is your pleasure. You don’t feel the need to have the focus on you, because you don’t want to burden them…..and your desires aren’t clear anyway. If they wanted to touch you, they would. No need to force them.

Now SOME of you might be excellent at knowing what you want outside of sex.

Maybe you’re excellent at making decisions at work, or knowing what you like to eat, how you like to move, who you like to hang out with. But when it comes to knowing how you like to be TOUCHED — you’re stuck in realities 1–4. WHY?

Toxic sexuality messages, that’s why.

We’ve been told it’s selfish to indulge. It’s shameful to have sexual desires. It’s unsexy to be direct. Instead, be submissive. Be easily orgasmic. Be easily aroused.

(It’s a powerful combo with good girl conditioning, I have to say)

So naturally you taught yourself it’s not ok to fully feel. To fully want. To fully take. Even when you TRY to be in the “receiving” zone, your mind sabotages you with fun spirals like: