Most of the time we put our attention on the touch....
However if we want to actually improve the quality of our experience of touch, the CHOOSING is more important. The act of choosing has far more impact on your experience of touch than the actual touch.
Often people skate over the opportunity to choose, and if the touch is less than inspiring, they try to like it more. Instead if you attend to the process of noticing what you want and then communicating it - the QUALITY of your experience vastly improves.
You're choosing what happens instead of going along with whatever someone else is doing and it tenderises the heart. The process of choosing makes us notice our vulnerability and brings us right to the present moment. Be true to yourself, or there is no one home to play with.
Sometimes the steps are instantaneous and sometimes they come one at a time.
The degree to which you can slow down and notice and communicate what you desire, is the degree to which you will STOP trying to like what is done to you and instead have what you actually want. - Betty Martin
First let's explore the definition of desire.
By desires, I mean whatever brings you joy, not just sexual desire. What opens the experience of receiving is first getting clear on what it is you actually want and not giving up on yourself before that becomes clear to you.
The Four Steps
Step 1 - Notice: It’s not something you figure out; it’s already there inside. My workshop wasn't about what body parts to touch or a new stroke. (Although if you want more of a practical "what kind of desires/sexual personality do I have?" then check out the playful & informative workshop on "What is my Erotic Love Language" 👈🏼) What I do teach you is to slow down enough to notice what it is that you DO want. What your body wants. You skin is gonna do the talking. If you're feeling dread hearing this, ask yourself "what is it that I think I will be expected to like?" then throw that out and ask yourself "what is it, instead of that, that sounds wonderful?"
If you give it time, it will eventually bubble up to consciousness. The question to ask yourself is not "Am I okay with this thing that is coming my way?" The question to ask yourself is "What is it that I actually want? What is it that sounds wonderful?" Then you commit to waiting until the answer is clear. Waiting can be awkward of course. That’s why it’s a commitment. Wait for the Hell, yes, this is what I want! THE HARD PART IS NOT THE DOING. The hard part is taking the time to notice what is already true.
Step 2 - Trust: Then trust that the information that arises is accurate. It may seem silly, trivial, too sexy, or not sexy enough, but you can trust it. It came from somewhere.