A common thing I see show up for single hetero men in s.ex, is around INADEQUACY. Something like:
“I know I’m supposed to be this experienced and confident lover, but truth is, I have no clue. No clue how to touch a woman, how to make her feel good, make her feel desired. SURELY what all women want is a man who knows exactly how to pleasure her in all the right spots. I feel pressure to be this incredible tantric god. Especially when I hear women talk about the 10 orgasms they received from another man, it makes me feel like I’m not masculine enough. Like I’m failing somehow.
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I hear this SO much! It really impacts s3xual self esteem.
And so, I see a lot of confidence built on compliments, number of orgasms delivered, or length of time you "lasted". The confidence is delicate & dependent on this external validation. I get it. It's a result of the cultural soup we all swim in.
It saddens me, cos honestly every man I've slept with has offered their own unique flavour to s3x that I have LOVED……
Whether it's someone's goofiness, or their fluency in dirty talk, or their enthusiasm about my body, or how present they are with eye contact, or how much attention they gave to my elbow, or the fact that they didn't laugh if I queefed hehe.
Often it's the humanness in sex that really gets me going. Permission to take a break, to experiment with something edgy and get it wrong, to give more specific instructions about what you want- but also checking in & playing & not needing it BE a certain way. Fck, it's about attitude isnt it?!
I'd love to dismantle these impossible (and fake) notions of who you need to be in s/ex.
1️⃣. Talk about this with others. IT’S SUPER COMMON, with more people than you think! It can soften the sharp edges of shame & lessen loneliness. In talking about it, you might find more space for your sexuality just as it is - and even JOY. Yes, joy. And honestly, S.ex Homework Society is the juiciest space for finding this solidarity btw.
2️⃣. Education - what’s sexy to me, may not be sexy to another person. You can learn about the nervous system, the science of arousal etc - but honestly just opening up conversations with partners about what they like is awesome!
I hesitated sharing this, but here’s a list of my personal accelerators and brakes, so I can be more aware of my sexual response cycle! 😍 👇🏽 You’re welcome to do the same, if that excites you.
3️⃣ Exposure & practice in held spaces can be so magic….. you could try out conscious s/ex positive spaces, like consent workshops or temple parties - where you can practice asking for your desires and having sexy experiences in a way that can be SO healing and affirming!!!
I don’t want people to miss out due to lack of information. If you don’t know where to go, message me your city 🗺️ 📍 - and I can see if I can find some local workshops/temples/play parties that are endorsed in my network. I’M SERIOUS. ♥️
Meow. 😽
If you want this made easy -- SHS is in exactly one week. gasp!